Searching for the Mom in Me

A couple years ago, right before I had my second baby, I thought I was going to have a break down. I felt like a terrible mother. I would go to bed feeling so horrible and afraid of how I was ruining my daughter for life. I could hardly imagine what kind of mom I'd be when I had two! Basically, I did not enjoy being a mom and I was really unhappy. I could not understand how I was such a failure at being a mom when I had been a success in almost every other part of my life (school, work, sports, etc).

Fast forward to today and I can truly say that I love being a mom. I think I'd go so far as to say I am now somewhat of a success. I've had to do some soul searching to get to this point. It did not just happen. First I had to let go of all the images I had tucked away of the perfect mother which included: my own mom, TV moms, magazine moms, moms at church, moms in the grocery store, other moms in my family, and of course, Mary the mother of God.

To start, I made a list of all the things I expected myself to do as a mother. Things such as bake bread, dust weekly, do crafts with my children, swimming, biking, camping, pray the rosary, etc. My list was long. It filled both sides of the paper! I did not realize until I had written it all down how much I expected of myself. There was no way I could be and do everything on that list. I was going to tear or burn that paper...then I lost it...but my intent was to do that and start fresh. My first task was to figure out what made me happy and then how to do that AND have children. It's still a work in progress, but confident that I am on the right track.

I am going to write more on this in the days to come so stay tuned!

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