Today marks exactly two months to the due date of our little baby boy. TWO MONTHS and I'm already as big as a house. Not only that, my body has been fighting asthma and sleeping has become, not only uncomfortable because my big belly but, next to impossible when I'm gasping for breath. The wheezing sound alone drives me crazy.
Again, I find myself complaining. However, this time it doesn't seem to be a complaint rooted in despair. Actually, I am coming to appreciate the suffering that I endure as a mother. Slowly, very slowly, these trials are refining me. Don't misunderstand me, I have a long way to go. However, instead of whining, lamenting, bemoaning and falling into the depths of my own despair, I am beginning to learn how to endure and survive. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other because I must. I'm a mom and the needs of my family don't cease because I need to whine.
I'm not sure if I should feel sad or happy that this whole business of being a mom has pretty much taken over the essence of me, or at least what I thought was the essence of me. I do know that I am much less inclined to stare longingly at the parts of my life, and the world, that are out of my reach. With each passing day, eternity draws near and my mission is has become more clear: "Draw close to God and He will draw close to you" (James 4:8).
The suffering and trials of mothering, as well as the joys and delight, are all just steps along the way to heaven where I will truly discover the essence of me. For it is there where I will see God, the one who created me, face-to-face.