As a stay-at-home- mom, there are no deadlines, instead there is no end. I wake up each day to the same. Life is too short to be stuck in a rut...I'm stuck in a rut.
It's the battles that are getting to me right now. The same old battles over food. It's always over food. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. When it comes to feeding my family, I am insane. My children hate all that I feed them. I hate all that I make for them (I also hate the word hate).
The battle over food begins with me. It always does. I try to blame my children. Yes, they are picky, but if I were more concerned with meeting their needs and less concerned about hating the preparation, maybe things would go more smoothly. Maybe, if I would set my mind and heart to the task, the task of feeding my family, maybe I would not react personally to their complaints.
Today, among other things, my daughter and I were fighting over food again. I had a sinus headache. The house was a mess (still is), the baby was fussing to go to bed and I broke down. I started to cry and to raise my voice, not at my child, but at God. I locked myself in the bedroom and sobbed. Why would He give me this job when I am so bad at it? Why, when I hate to cook and I am not self-motivated unless there is ample appreciation for all I do (I blame feel-good education)? Why do I still have to do all this when I feel so crappy?
The sky was dark the rain slammed down and the wind threw the last leaves from the trees at the ground. It was an angry day.
The only thing that went through my mind while I shook my fist at my miserable existence was, "focus on feeding your family." Focus on feeding my family. Just that. The one thing I hate the most. I plodded into the kitchen chopped up some fruit and cheese, added toothpicks to make it fun, and slid it in front of Little Bear. She ate it, and the day marches on.
I'm not sure how to tie this post together. I can only hold on to hope that I will get out of this rut...someday...