12.06.2010

First Loves

Today I was able to get a little break from my children.  I was all alone in a warm, quiet room.  It would have been a little nicer if the room could have been dark instead of that blaring fluorescent light that made my massive sinus headache even worse.  You see, my much needed break was in the local walk-in clinic.  I found out that I do not have a sinus infection, but just a plain old sinus headache.  Good news, I guess.

On the way to the clinic, alone in my minivan, I got that longing feeling.  A deep wish that I had someone to take care of me.  I imagined that it might be my mom, but it's just not the same now that I'm in my thirties and have children of my own.  I remember when her love was enough and in her embrace, my world was right.  Then I thought it ought to be my husband, but again not quite what I was needing.  A hug from him, at one point in our relationship, was all I needed.   That love, although still important to me, was not really what I was longing for today.

Finally, I imagined being in the quiet, consoling arms of my mother in Heaven, and then in Christ's warm, strong, safe, embrace.  Immediately I knew what I was really longing for.  My heart and soul pines for that moment when everything is okay and I am taken care of.  These first earthly loves of mine, my parents, my husband, my friends and even my children, are glimpses into the love that I will one day enter into completely.

Although being sick is no fun, it did give me a much needed break.  The short time I had in the van, in the clinic and in my bed was enough for me to reflect on the meaning of this life I am living.  I am more aware today that the love I give my children now is their first example of the Love there is for them in Heaven.  Just as my mother's love was for me.  This headache, as awful as it was, was worth that revelation. This little suffering managed to nudge me along the way to the Love that is waiting for me and already with me.

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