Decision and Despair

Out on my sunny deck this beautiful fall afternoon, while a spider rolled up a fly in its web and a couple deer ducked through our yard (and I live in the middle of town),  a friend and I conversed over tea about our kids.  In particular, my friend's teenage son who is an amazing artist, and his tendency to drown in despair. Yes, this is probably a common tendency for many teenagers, but I found myself explaining to her how artists see, but mostly feel, the world differently.  Take a look at any popular artist, writer, or singer as an example. Out of these deep feelings of, not only despair, but euphoria comes some of the most amazing works of art. Art that propels the reader, listener or admirer to have, at its best, a deeper sense of the divine.

With this conversation I realized, I've not been tapping in to that sensitive and creative side of myself lately and in turn, I'm starting to loose my mind.  It's like I'm walking at the edge of a deep and lonely lake.

Throughout my life I've had to realize and re-realize that the gift of sensitivity and creativity, when not properly interpreted and released by me, can become a curse.  The world can become a heavy and depressing place.  All the sights, sounds, smells and feelings around and inside me, crush down on me and suddenly I want to be that mom who stays in her pajamas and watches hours of daytime television. Instead of walking away from the deep, lonely lake, I'm tempted to wade in and drift away.

At some point I think I need to accept forever the fact that God has given me these gifts of sensitivity and creativity and that any gift freely given by God is meant to be shared.  I must put into practice, fan into flame, this gift that has been given. Then I can become the person God has created me to be, a person fully alive. Then, with God's help I can walk away from the edge of the deep lake of despair, lay aside my pajamas, and be a conduit of God's grace.

"Whoever has ears let them hear."  Matthew 11:15


  1. goodness! i know just what you mean! i often feel the same way. it is so easy to put ourselves last. whenever i stop doing the things that refuel me i start to loose sight of myself. lovely writting. hope to see you around soon!

  2. Thanks for pouring out your heart. Keep writing!

    RETA@ http://evenhaazer.blogspot.com


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