Some of you may know the latest news in our family. We are growing from 5 to 6 come September. I'm really newly pregnant and have no self-discipline when it comes to spreading the news. My intention was to wait until I was into the second trimester, but, alas, I'm barely into the first and putting it on my blog! If you're wondering, yes, this was planned.
This pregnancy is not as ignorantly blissful as in my past. It's been five years since I've been pregnant and I feel old. I look in the mirror and wonder what in the world I've gotten myself into and now that I'm nauseous and exhausted I'm really beginning to question my motives.
You too may wonder why I, a mother of mature maternal age, who has three beautiful (challenging, strong willed) children would decide to have a fourth. Here are some my reasons:
1. There is a lack of goodness in the world that creates a vacuum. It's a safe, dark, cozy place for people who make evil choices to flourish. Having another child is one way to bring light into that darkness. Children are good and often, when raised in loving families, albeit flawed, grow up to be bigger hunks of goodness to fill the vacuum.
2. I've always wanted four. Three just never seemed like enough. Maybe because my family of origin consists of three and my husband's family has five. With more kids, it's just more exciting and more people to love and be loved. Especially when grandchildren start to arrive. My husband's family is bursting and bubbling with life and love. My family of origin does not lack life and love, it's just more like a simmer than a boil.
3. I've been observing my kids and have reasoned that a baby in the mix may be a good challenge for them. For Grace, the oldest, it may do her some good to have come out of her self-centered teenage ways to care for a little one and babysit too. Her now large and cozy bedroom will once again have to be shared with this little one and maybe she can be a little more patient with a baby/toddler than her kid sister. Clare and Eli will benefit as well. When we got a cat this summer, the two of them took such good care of her and still do. They will be so good with a little one, I just know it.
4. The last reason, well, it's not exactly measurable or reasonable, but I felt that God was asking me to have one more. If thought through in a logical way, having another baby was not exactly "in our best interest." Adam has a definite plan for retirement that just was thrown out the window with a baby on the way. I'm not exactly in my prime while pregnant or as a mother of babies. In fact, I'm a total weakling and not only that, Adam's anxieties amp up to almost intolerable. Our vacation to the Redwoods was almost ruined because Eli (then under two) touched dirt. Then, of course there is the spacing between children: six years. That's six years with one child as a teenager. Not smart. Lastly, and this one bothers my dad quite a bit, I've hemorrhaged after all my pregnancies so there's no reason to think this one will be different.
So, as it is with God, we must not only believe, but trust; trust all the above mentioned logical and reasonable reasons not to have another baby don't matter. That God has a better plan and that's exciting really.